I "officially" started graduate school in Summer, but I started it full-time this Fall. Finals week is quickly approaching (it's next week for me), and so I am busy as ever academically. Yet, I am taking the time to write this post as I think it's something that needs to be heard. In my program, we like to say that the professors are pressured to pass us because each course is only offered once a year and we're in a one year Master's program. So it shouldn't be too hard right? I had heard from those before me that the graduate classes were just like undergrad with more sympathetic professors. While the professors caring for us is true, personally, I have found the program to be very challenging.
Now, I didn't get here because I don't like challenges. I am always looking for ways to push myself and learn and grow. I took a Strengthsquest test twice in college and received "learner" both times as one of my top qualities. More than ever, I have recently found myself doubting my decisions and choices. It's never late to question, but when I consider that I already have a degree under my belt and graduating with another one next year, and a job waiting for me - I still doubt myself. I question whether or not I am even capable or good enough for this career. While I've been in graduate school, I've been simultaneously working and studying for the CPA exam. The pressure of it all got to be too much and I found myself extremely stressed out and breaking down.
Becoming an accountant, in particular, a tax accountant, was never in my rearview mirror. My first introduction to accounting was in my high school U.S. government class, when we had a tax CPA talk about his career and doing Form 1040s for wealthy individuals on Palm Beach, handling estates and trusts, etc. I think it was probably more of the person than the presentation, but I thought it was the worst career I have ever heard of (and look where I am now, haha). When I started college, I figured I'd be a Chemistry major since it was the only subject I truly enjoyed in high school. Once I started college-level Chemistry, however, I absolutely loathed it. In my sophomore year, I was signed up for Organic Chemistry with one of my friends. On the first day of class, I sat there and listened to the professor, who seemed like a nice person and had good reviews, talk about how this class would require a lot of our time and dedication in order to do well. I looked at my friend, and muttered out "I can't do this." He had nothing to say to me, as he knew I had been unhappy with STEM for a while. So I made the jump and went to the class next door, which happened to be Introduction to Financial Accounting (the first accounting class that business students take) which had a notoriously bad professor and high failure rate. I just had a gut feeling that if I could handle that class (which I did), I could tackle any other accounting classes at the school.
Once I went into accounting, I still ran away from taxation. I didn't think it was for me until, long story short, I took my first tax class. Suddenly, it all started to click. I was able to find an internship and a job. Even my stuffed cat, Meow-Meow's birthday is Tax Day (April 15th).
But because of how stressed out I was leading up to the last few weeks, I was running errands one day around town and realized when I got home that Meow-Meow, the stuffed cat that is the inspiration for my website logo and why I knit cats all the time, was missing from my purse. Everything else was in my purse - gum, car keys, hand sanitizer, etc., except for my cat. When I started looking around my apartment and realized I might have dropped him somewhere, I started to panic. I already wasn't in the right state of mind with how much I had to do in and outside of school so I started tearing up my apartment and car. I found myself being an erratic mess, doing things I normally wouldn't do and not thinking rationally. Many do not understand this, but when placing some context you may relate - I've had him for the past 15 years, and he has traveled everywhere with me when I'm alone. I'm an only child which is a lonely place to be, and I got him during a time in my life where I was having a difficult time adjusting and had no friends. 15 years later, I have plenty of friends, a great family, but I still felt awful about losing the only sentimental item in my life. It was entirely my fault that I lost him. I never take him out of my room for the most part, and the one time I do, I lose him. And no one bothered to mention it to me if I dropped it or pick him up and think "this item may mean something to someone out there." Nope. I never realized how much of my online identity intertwined with a stuffed cat until I didn't have him anymore.
I am a person that thinks a lot while I'm by myself, and after a week or so, I thought, how important is materialism? I put all my emotions into a piece of sewn fabric that costs less than $1? I made a hard stop and started thinking about my family. I was born and raised in the United States, and so I was sheltered from difficulties that many people in the world face on a day-to-day basis. However, I am the child of Vietnamese refugees. For some reason, I remembered how on the living room walls, my dad displays his high school certificates and old school ID. I never thought it was strange until now. Then I asked, why is it on the wall? That's when I realized - he only displays them on the wall because he has nothing else from his childhood. My parents met in the U.S. in the 1990s, but both came to the U.S. in 1975, just as the Vietnam War was coming to an end. In that rush, my dad came here without a dime to his name and only the clothes on his back. He had nothing and was able to finish his college education and have a successful career. On another note, I've told him that he needs to write an autobiography because I think it would inspire others (there's a TON of interesting events in his life but I'll let him mention that in the book :) ).
I also started to think something was wrong with me until I learned that it's a normal reaction to be upset over losing a significant part of my life. He has been one of my best friends for 15 years. It became clear that I was using a stuffed animal to mask my true feelings. He was my coping tool when I found the challenges in life to be overbearing. Suddenly, I found myself without a "healthy" way to manage my emotions. Now that I recognized it, I knew I had to change and adjust myself. What had caused me to this was not taking care of myself mentally. I was reading an article the other day (this one) and it made me become more cognizant of what I always tell my friends but have failed to listen to myself - It's normal to feel emotions, but if you don't take care of yourself, how can you be there for others?
I realized that I was not doing anything I enjoyed - especially the part of not knitting/crocheting in months, and over break I started to crochet again and that made me feel better. I'm never taking a break from my crafts again, regardless of how stressful my life is. Now I am forced to find a new online identity, but maybe I already had one: a knit/crochet designer. Although I won't have enough time to design new patterns, I will continue to translate and knit/crochet other patterns.
I make a goal for myself every year, but I realized that I haven't made a goal for myself this year. So here's my goal for 2020 - the same year I start my new job - while life will get stressful, I'm going to learn how to best manage stress whenever life throws something at me.
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